Devastatingly off-brand for me: Several Sunshine Blogger awards

Somehow, I have been nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award nine times.

To which – I mean, I have to say – what in the goddamn world?

I may be the least sunshiney person in the mapped universe. This entire blog is me complaining and writing hate-filled one-star rants about people’s favorite books. Usually my favorite people’s favorite books. I crush dreams. My soul is obsidian black. I eat joy for breakfast.

So what are we doing here, guys?

I truly struggle to believe anyone could associate me with the word “sunshine,” let alone nine people. However, the word “sunshine” is an adorable one, and maybe I’ll rebrand in order to fit under that umbrella, so I’ll stop complaining now.

(If you are now saying As if like Cher from Clueless, that is the correct response to me ever pretending like I am even physically capable of not complaining.)

Let’s get into it. I am going to sort these by each nomination. (Because each comes with its own questions!!! How fun is that!!!!)

Despite the lapse in judgment that it took to nominate me for such an ill-fitting award, these are all lovely fabulous accounts and you should totally follow them. TOTALLY FOLLOW THEM.

Settle in for a long post, guys.


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Nominated by The Readers Bay

1. Your two favorite books?

I have done a post of my twenty favorite books, so this won’t be a surprising answer, BUT IT’S A TRUTHFUL ONE AND THAT’S JUST AS EXCITING.

They are Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Everything is Illuminated.

They are so good. They are better than anything. They are better than me and they are better than you.

Read them.

2. What are the two things that are always found in your handbag?

Oh this is such a boring answer.

The only three things I always have with me are my phone, my keys, and my wallet. Every time I leave the house I imagine Hannibal Buress’s voice telling me Phone, keys, wallet! PKW! like he says to Ilana in Broad City.

Here is video evidence of the amazing reference I am making.

3. Why did you start blogging and how long has it been?

I started blogging because I am obsessed with myself, and it has been a variety of different times depending on how you judge.

I held this handle for a long time before doing anything with it, because I procrastinate even things I am doing that are not assigned to me, and then I made a post in like August 2016 that was all “coming soon” and then I started blogging after that.

So it’s been over a year.

Look at the lack of progress I’ve made.

4. Would you rather be completely invisible for a day or have the ability to fly for a day?

If it’s for a day………I’ll fly baby.

On a permanent basis? WHOLE different story.

5. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done that actually turned out pretty well?

THIS BLOG!!!!!

Lmao got you. Pranked.

Um. I don’t really know. The one that is on my mind right now is that a couple weeks ago, I had a paper due in the class I had my lowest grade in, and I wrote said paper in 2 hours on a book I hadn’t read.

But I got the paper back today, and I got an A on it. And all is well.

Don’t try hard in school kids!!!!!!

6. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?

Oh yikes. I am not an adventurous eater. My eating habits have been described as “like a six year old”; “so bland”; “literally no colors in anything you eat”; and, most recently by my roommate, “Emma, I’ve seen you eat cupcakes this week, but I haven’t seen you eat any produce.”

So the weirdest thing I’ve ever eaten…probably poutine in Canada?

I was not a fan.

7. What is something that your friends would consider “so you”?

Well, I was watching a movie with my roommates last night and a character put his head under the slushie machine and drank cherry slushie straight from the pump/tap thing, and they both said “Emma” at the exact same moment that I said “me.”

So, that.

8. What other things do you enjoy, apart from reading?

Nothing. Who says I even enjoy reading?

Just kidding. Kind of. I am a huge comedy nerd and I love comedy podcasts and comedy TV shows and comedy movies and…comedy everything.

Yay for liking stuff.

9. Which fictional couple do you root for?

None of them. Love isn’t real.

(Going to leave it up to you guys to determine whether that was a joke or not.)

I was really embarrassed to admit recently that I actually like Dimitri and Rose from Vampire Academy, but I honestly am living to forgive that because it’s #problematic and off-brand and I REFUSE TO LET IT DEFINE ME.

But I don’t really know who else. I don’t care about anyone. Even the fictional.

Oh god.

10. If you could have dinner with anyone in this world (should be living), who would it be?

I feel like there are two routes I can go with this.

I can go with one of my many nemeses so I can physically fight them over a nice evening meal. It would be truly wonderful to have a full-on smackdown with John Green, or JK Rowling, for instance. Perhaps

Or I could pick one of my many crushes. Bo Burnham. Kumail Nanjiani. Nathan Fielder. Joe Pera. Ben Schwartz. Kyle Mooney. John Mulaney. Ezra Koenig. I COULD GO ON, but it would only make my choice harder.

I think today I will say Nathan Fielder, the icon behind the equally iconic program Nathan For You. I have a lot of questions for the man.

11. If you could kill any fictional character, who would it be?

Oh.

My.

God.

My entire life has been leading up to this moment. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of characters are currently volleying in my mind for the top hated spot. I have hated so many characters in so many books. This is my Academy Award. Except negative.

It’s been very pleasant to realize that a lot of the characters I hate already die in their books. No spoilers.

I’ll just say I’ll kill Lila Bard. But I haven’t read the last book in that series yet. Maybe she’ll take mercy on us all and die then!!!!


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Nominated by Anatomy of a Book Thief

1. Which author would you ask to write your biography?

AGDHJSAGDHJAKSGD.

This is the most exciting thing you can ask someone who loves books and themselves.

I would want Jane Austen to write my biography if I had some great love story or something, but I do not, thank god, so that’s out. Maybe Jonathan Safran Foer, because he would make my life sound so deep and profound and sh*t. OOHWAITNO Lemony Snicket!!!! He would make me sound soooooo creepy and spooky and scary and dark and sneaky and teeming with secret societies.

And isn’t that the dream?

2. Which literary character do you most identify with?

This answer can only be really braggy or really depressing.

Ooh. I relate to Alyson in Just One Day. Because she’s all shy nerdy boring whatever and then she’s like TIME TO JUST LIVE MY LIFE BOI.

And, honestly, same. #Goals, and whatnot.

3. What is your favorite song from a musical?

I do not like musicals.

None songs from musicals.

4. What is your favorite sound?

Oh, jesus. Um. I don’t even know if I like sounds.

My favorite sound is the absence of sound. My favorite sound is silence. My favorite thing to hear is n o t h i n g.

5. What is your favorite book title and why?

AHHHHHHHH.

THISISHARD.

I like a lot of titles. I don’t know if I love any!!!!

I’ll Give You the Sun is pretty freaking good, though. Pretty freaking lovely.

6. Which (if any) book series have you DNFed?

Throne of Glass. The Grishaverse. I definitely won’t read the Caraval sequel. The Chronicles of Alice. PassengerDorothy Must Die. Every Colleen Hoover book that became a series. The Maze Runner. The 5th Wave. The Mortal Instruments. Shiver. Rebel Belle. Pretty Little Liars. Every Day. Miss Peregrine’s. Matched.

Honestly, finishing series is overrated, y’know??

7. If you could go back and get your younger self to read any book, which would it be and why?

I don’t think there are any books I want my younger self to read. I read my favorite book (Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland as if you didn’t know) in childhood. And, like, the books that have impacted me most are not exactly prime kid reading material.

If anything I’d rather stop myself from reading books when I was younger??? Maybe then I wouldn’t have asked my mom what a blowjob was when I was nine.

Which, like. Talk about a crisis averted.

8. Are there any adaptations you like more than the original book?

There are those that I like as much (The Princess Bride) or almost as much (A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix; The Little Prince) but not a one that I like more, I think.

Well, I just watched the show Big Little Lies AND IT WAS GODDAMN AMAZING but I haven’t read the book and don’t intend to. Does that count?

Probably not.

9. If your life up to now was made into a film, what song would play in the end credits?

I actually have a playlist called “Songs that sound like the end scene of a movie.” It is exclusively populated with eleven songs that sound like the transition song from a grand finale into the credits rolling. So I was kind of…born to answer this question.

And my answer is Boston by Augustana. Or In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. The first one for the sake of applicability, and the second one because it’s a goddamn classic and inspired the playlist’s creation.

10. Are you looking forward to Christmas yet?

When I was tagged in this, it was September. So.

It’s almost like I’m bad at posting or something.

However, the answer is no, BECAUSE IT ALREADY IS CHRISTMAS AND I CAN’T LOOK FORWARD TO SOMETHING THAT’S ALREADY HAPPENING. Christmas is 25 days long and it begins on December 1 and I have already begun my festivities.

11. Which one book do you think everyone should read in their lifetime?

I have said this before and I will say it ONE MILLION MORE TIMES: everybody read Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson.

It is important and good and worth it you fools!

Sorry I called you fools.


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She Reads at Past Midnight

I miss Maram. Where is she. Has she been around?????

1. Which book made you happy while reading it?

I am officially the most boring person on Earth. I am the worst blog, the worst person to follow, the worst reviewer. I ANSWER THE SAME THINGS EVERY TIME.

You guys flippin’ know how much I love Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. I have been talking nonstop about Ready Player One lately. (Okay, mainly in my Warcross review, but STILL.) I’ve already mentioned The Little Prince in this review. WHATELSEWHATELSEWHATELSEEEEEEE.

Well.

Everything by Jane Austen, really.

2. What is your favorite thing to do for relaxing?

I have never relaxed, once, in my whole life. I have been constantly, nonstop anxious and on edge for the entirety of my human existence on this planet. Never once have I experienced a moment of calm or relief.

I actually thought I was kidding as I began that paragraph only to realize as I drifted ever closer to the point that I would be obligated to come up with an actual answer…I do not have one.

I actually have no relaxation tactics.

And then I wonder why I’m a mess???????

3. What is your favorite season?

Summer boi. My fragile soul is too weak for the winter cold, and also the autumn cold, and also the spring cold. Summer is the only time that the heat infiltrates my cold exterior to get to my even colder heart.

Also I have bad circulation. So like…I am cold all the time both physically and emotionally.

4. What is something you love about yourself?

Ugh.

This is the worst ever thisissohard. Don’t make me do this. It’s extremely difficult for me both due to self-hatred and due to how off of my personal brand it is for me to be self-loving.

And isn’t this post off-brand enough????????

I’ll just say it really quick (or the Internet equivalent of really quick: typingwithnospaces): IthinkI’mfunnysometimes.

Not often.

But sometimes.

5. What keeps you blogging?

I WAS JUST WONDERING THE SAME THING.

I think a feeling of pressure based on the fact that I’ve already put a lot of work into this, and not sticking with it at this point would be like one of those sad abandoned amusement parks. A relic of someone trying really hard and attempting to have a good time that just turns out to be tragic and failed and creepy and kind of embarrassing.

Finally, something on brand in this post! Trying really hard + attempting to have a good time + tragic + failed + creepy + kind of embarrassing = me exactly.

6. What is a song that makes you happy?

Okay, so. I have already mentioned one of my two masterpiece Spotify playlists (“Songs that sound like the end scene of a movie”). Now we must discuss my other work of art. It is called – in an unbelievable act of creativity – “songs i like,” and it is 8 hours and 11 minutes long.

Most of the 132 songs in that playlist make me happy.

But right now my favorite of them is You by the 1975, because I am an unbearable pretentious nerd in case you didn’t know that by now.

And if you didn’t, wow. How did you not? Oh my god.

Anyway, I can’t link the song here because the full version is 10 minutes long and just WHOA and you should look it up on Spotify because YouTube only has incomplete versions. Doooooo itttttt. Or don’t honestly you do you.

7. What is your dream vacation?

I have been to four countries in my life. I was born in one of them, one of them touches the one I was born in, and the other two are France and Vietnam.

I want to go to all of the other countries. YesIsaideverysinglecountryokayyyyy.

You said dream vacation. You didn’t put parameters.

8. Which fictional character would you like to be friends with?

ALL OF THEM.

Just kidding. Like, wow, super just kidding. But all of these.

God, again I am trying to not list the same book over and over here. I am so boring! This is the problem with only liking eight books. You just talk about the same sh*t all the flippin time dude!

I actually really wanna be a part of the lil squad in A Million Junes. June n Sal n Hannah. They’re great. They’re cute. I like them.

Wow I am even bad at talking about things I like, just generally. Not a lot of practice I guess.

9. What is a book you recommend for someone going on vacation?

Uhhhhh.

I like thrillers and contemporaries when I go on vacation and also all the time. The problem with this is also I always hate every thriller and every contemporary I read. Highest hopes and biggest pains, you know?

Where’d You Go, Bernadette is a good one for vacay. And Wanderlove (gOD WHAT A GOOD BOOK!!!!!) on the contemporary front.

Yay! Look at me, I did it! I almost answered a question like a normal person!

10. Coffee, tea, wine, or other?

The correct and moral and legal and still somewhat truthful answer here is coffee. So, coffee.

I do love coffee. Last Wednesday I forgot to drink it by accident and I actually had such a bad headache all day that I felt like someone was throwing small, heavy objects at my forehead at a forty-five degree angle from four pm onward.

Unpleasant. Coffee can rescue from these feelings. And also sleeping sucks and is boring and if you put your faith in coffee you’ll never have to do it again.

11. Favorite pizza toppings?

CHEESE ONLY. I WILL ONLY EVER EAT PLAIN PIZZA. NOT PEPPERONI. NOT EVEN PICKED-OFF PEPPERONI BECAUSE THE GROSS TASTING GREASE OIL STUFF STAYS. NOT EXTRA CHEESE BECAUSE THAT’S TOO MUCH CHEESE. CERTAINLY NOT EXTRA SAUCE.

But oh, also basil sometimes. Like on a margherita pizza.

Yum. Now I’m angry and I want pizza. (Essentially my default setting.)


 

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT.

First time writing an original post for the ol’ blog in like, a month. Feels good. Nailed it.

Three Sunshine Blogger Awards down, like, six to go!

I am not tagging anyone in this because I have at least two posts’ more of these comin’ your way. I’ll tag people later.

And I’m, like, so super good at keeping my blog-related promises.

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